three parts

jumble
How are other people making it through? There’s so much to be done I can’t choose what to do next and sometimes I just do nothing at all. What good is anxiety? Mostly it just causes a lot of needless stress. I suppose there are a few pithy benefits—caring a lot about everything; getting things done; wanting the most out of life. Since we moved my mind has been in overdrive, perhaps because we’re back to real life now after six months of house hunting. I feel like I’m simultaneously doing too much and not enough. I love weekends here but I’m still getting to used to solitary days. I keep wondering what else I should be doing and make myself mad. Why do things feel a little shadowy still?

sorting
Surely there is some perspective. Three weeks ago I turned 25. This time last year I was mired; things certainly aren’t solved (will they ever be?) but I’m proud of the changes we’ve made. Life may feel like futile spinning on a hamster wheel but it’s nice to look back and recognize a shifting towards the better. Take for example last week, when I baked mini loaves of sourdoughs for our neighbors. Over two years we lived in our previous house and yet I could count on one hand the neighbors we knew. We took a loaf to the family behind us on Friday and ended up staying three hours. And then over the weekend we had our first overnight guests to the house and hosted a housewarming party, the memory of which is enough to bring me to my knees. I dreamed of these days.

breaking news
This morning we had our first frost. I always prefer warm weather but the cold does have a way of piercing through the noise. Deep down I know where I want to find my worth but I’m constantly getting sidetracked. A gentle suggestion from my therapist: what if you focused less on who you want to be and cared more about discovering who you are?