It comes in the form of a stirring deep inside my chest. Evoked by the haunting melody of a song that brings back a flood of memories, an old photograph, or diary entry, it's a soft fluttering just strong enough that I can physically feel it when I concentrate. I can see it swirling and awakening, like a cat stretching and contorting itself after a nap. It's a strange sensation, this emotion. It's as if a little piece of me that had been amputated, forgotten about, suddenly reappears in a burst of memory, just like that.
Lately I've been bored with my life. Yes, I have more than enough to keep myself busy (almost too much, in fact), but I can't help feel dissatisfied with the monotony of day-to-day life. There's that moment, as the sun kisses the horizon farewell, that I look back at the day and when I realize I haven't really done anything, I get frustrated. I hate wasting a day, a day that is physically impossible to retrieve.
And as I gaze at photos and read entries from when I was in the midst of exciting things, I miss Germany. I miss Paris. I miss seeing new things and the feeling of productivity that comes with exploring and discovering. I am the kind of girl that craves change and adventure -- and when I settle into the same routine, I can feel the inception of restlessness, and the restlessness is even stronger after already having had a taste of this vast world.
I realize these thoughts are a bit selfish and unrealistic -- but I think it's human nature, always being dissatisfied with what you have at the present. Still, I can't help but long for...something. It's like a cross between wanderlust and fernweh, but intensified. What I'm longing for, I'm not exactly sure -- though I do know that I would rather be sailing anywhere except the dark throes of winter. Because even though I'm looking forward to the holidays, I see the long, grey, depressing months of January and February lurking behind the joy and celebration, and wish it were spring we're moving into.
So here I am, writing about my feelings, making do with memories and looking forward to my next adventure.
And in the meantime, those two earthquakes (one with a magnitude of 4.7, the other 5.6) that shook Oklahoma this weekend added just enough spice to hold me over. Who knew that Oklahoma had earthquakes anyway?
How has your Monday been, friend?